my funny fat cat

A spoilt greedy pear-shaped cat… just like Garfield.

The Hindu Christian

Saturday morning. Traffic is smooth. Taking the same bus to work on a weekday takes me an hour to reach my workplace in Orchard. Saturdays however, deliver buttery smooth bus rides.

I could make an effort to mentally calculate and estimate the time needed to reach my workplace so I could catch 10-15mins extra snooze on a Saturday morning. But the brain cells needed for such a task have better use, than having to go through the trouble for a few minutes of extra sleep.

Arriving to my office earlier than usual, there’s no one there, except the old “ma-ma”security guard. He’s standing outside the door waiting, as managers rotate their duties to arrive earlier to unlock the doors, and in our case, not early enough.

The guard and I have chatted on many occasions before, as he has many stories to tell – usually the case with old men. To show my participation in the conversation, I asked the first random question that came to my mind -

Me: “Why are you here so early?”
Ma-ma: “I accompanied my wife to Novena to pray.”
Me: “Where do you stay?”
Ma-ma: “Toa Payoh.”
Me: “Isn’t there a Hindu temple in Toa Payoh?”
Ma-ma: “Yes! Of course there is, but I pray to both!”
Me: “Erm…. Both? What’s the difference between the 2 temples?”
Ma-ma: “Not temple, Novena is a church. I pray to both.”
Me: “Oh….” *starting to ponder* “hmmmm…..”
Ma-ma: “It’s very effective. I’ll go there to pray every now and then. If you are looking for a job, and you go there to pray every week, you’ll get a job within 8 weeks.”
Me: *still pondering* “Ok…… That’s…. … … good… … …”
Ma-ma: “Really, when I finished National Service a long time ago, I went to pray to this church. I got a job in 6 weeks! I am so grateful!”
Me: “… … … Ya… … … You should be… … … (Being gullible and naive is a blessing, so I guess being grateful sounds right.)
Ma-ma: I even have a Mother Mary statue at home!”
Me: “Mother Mary? Is your Church Christian or Catholic???”
Ma-ma: “It doesn’t matter, anyone can pray to her! I have Jesus Christ, Mother Mary and my Hindu Gods at home…”

I was trying hard to keep a straight face and act as normal as possible. He does has good investment and business sense though – diversify is the word.

But really, I do have respect for this “Ma-ma”. He is creating a little Singapore in his own home, “One united people, regardless of race, language or religion”. I never knew someone could take the pledge this seriously.

What a lost sheep…

Singapore Kennel Club – Dog Show (August 2009)

photography studio with a plastic-bag foreground.

There is a blog called ‘Photoshop Disasters’, which focuses on horrible digital manipulation & design (i.e. distorted limbs, poorly executed effects, etc.), which features a lot of really horrible designs. Stuff you see that make you laugh.

However, to a certain extent, I see that most – not all – of the designs posted are very obviously done by amateurs, which explains such horrible errors in the design.

This photograph here, is a “work of art” from a photography studio in Singapore  (Yvonne’s Creative at Tanjong Pagar – SGD2988nett). It’s really a steal… by the studio.

I know that ’saving the environment’ has been a topic for the longest time, but I really don’t see a need to incorporate such a subtle message in this photograph.

What’s more… Singapore has a reputation of being a spotless, spot on the map. Capturing a roaming/lingering, non-biodegradable white piece of trash really doesn’t make any sense, neither is it justifiable – in terms of concept, composition, or any other word you can find in the dictionary that has been used since the Garden of Eden up till the “Garden of Trash”, which doesn’t imply stupidity. Unless of course, you force the issue and tell me that the photographer has included the plastic bag to serve as a comparison to the wedding gown…

I myself am an avid photographer, and when I stop to take a picture, it’s to capture a nice object or scene – in hope of capturing a moment of brilliance. If a plastic bag encompasses a certain idea in the scene, then fine. If not, I will move it out of the scene.

That being said, I don’t even get paid for that split-second of finger-movement, but what prompts me to take a little trouble to set the scene right, is pride in my work and respect for the photography industry.

A photographer that has such attitude, doesn’t deserve to make a living out of photography and a studio that hires such a photographer, doesn’t deserve a customer paying for a memory that lasts a life-time.

Brace yourself for the North and gain from the pain.

I was on MSN chatting with a few of my ex-colleagues from a company named after a fruit often mistaken as a vegetable. One of them, a female with braces, named after a poisonous plant, is really sick of a colleague – who resembles a grey animal with big ears and a long nose, her work and the office – which resembles a messy battleground.

She went on to ask us how to malinger – a term any NS man should know. She wanted to find out what she should tell the doctor so she could get an MC.

One of our other ex-colleagues, a guy named after a saint – who has a day attributed to, mentioned one of the most common ways a woman does it – Menses cramps.

I however, had a much more creative and original idea. I told the poisonous plant to tell the doctor: “I have serious difficulties getting from one place to another. For some reason, there’s this invisible force rotating me towards the north. And it happens every time I rub my lips and braces together….”

The best thing about this excuse is that firstly, it’s scientific and the chances are, the doctor has never had braces before, so same as talking to a man about menses, you get a very positive response, as the doctor doesn’t want to look ignorant.

But seriously, for women, menses cramp is the best excuse whenever there’s something you don’t want to do or a tantrum you want to throw. Touching on menses cramps and doctors, let me give my 2 cents worth on why it’s so effective.

Firstly, it is something that all women will experience in their lives. Some more, some less; some more painful, some less painful. The doctor can’t know whether you are faking it, unlike sex.

Secondly, cramps can happen every month, so it’s the best excuse to be on medical leave at least once every month.

Thirdly, it doesn’t matter whether the doctor is a man or a woman. If it’s a man, he’ll be totally understanding of the pain women have to go through and any form of suspicion towards malingering would result in insensitivity towards women. If it’s a woman, she would have most probably experienced it before and even if she hasn’t, she will be totally understanding and give you the “I know, I’ve been through it before” look and sign your medical certificate as if you were a fan.

Who says menstruation’s a frustration? For every pain, there’s something to gain.

Oysters are a Drag…

Oysters are like Drag Queens, they change their sex several times in their miserable served-on-ice/scrambled lives. And people are willing to pay just for a “taste” of them.

The Land of a Thousand Shrimps.

All shrimps are born male but change their sex as they mature. Now we know why some men are called shrimps and where “The Land of a Thousand Shrimps” is.

Immunity from cancer doesn’t mean anything to sharks served on a dinner table…

Sharks are the only known animal species not to suffer from cancer, but they usually die for weddings.

No rights for bats…

Keep left when approaching caves., bats turn left when exiting them.

What accent do you ‘moo’?

Cows from different regions of the world ‘moooo’ with different accents.